Thursday, May 7, 2015

Honest. {Day 1}

I've really been struggling with how I look for about the last month. I've been working out, and eating healthy but I still feel sad with how I look. I'm going to be using this space as a daily happy log for about the next month. It will probably be superficial and narcissistic about how I look, but I want to feel happy with myself again. So here goes Day 1.

1. I'm having a great hair day. My hair is falling like Jennifer Anniston's on her final season of Friends. And I love my color. It's faded to a super warm and pretty auburn.

Today, I feel happy to have pretty hair.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Sometimes words make me feel okay.

You do not have to be good. 
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves. 
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. 
Meanwhile the world goes on.   
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain   
are moving across the landscapes,   
over the prairies and the deep trees,   
the mountains and the rivers.   
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, 
are heading home again.   
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, 
the world offers itself to your imagination, 
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place 
in the family of things.

-Mary Oliver

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

And by the way sweetcheeks, I'm real too.

10 points to whoever can name where that quote is from!!

But in all seriousness I wanted to discuss something that has been bothering me recently. I've seen it on several blogs, and it's getting my goat. (Ha! See what I did there?)

Girls are so MEAN to each other. SO mean. There are a few specific things that have been really hurtful to me recently that need to be talked about. So without further ado, here is a list of things we have to stop saying to each other.


She is so fake/I hate fake people. I'm sorry. Are they made of plastic or vinyl? Last time I checked, all of us have skin, organs, brains, and most importantly feelings. Just because someone doesn't feel comfortable "being real" with you, or would rather talk about cosmetics than emotional traumas doesn't make them fake.

 I am guilty of calling other girls and women fake. A lot of the time, it's because I'm jealous of a quality they have. They are beautiful, have a perfect body (according to me), understand how to take the perfect instagram picture and have a big following. I was recently accused of being fake, and it hurt. Really bad actually. But I'm in a different place now. I don't feel comfortable exposing my vulnerabilities to everyone, and light topics like exercise and hobbies are much easier to carry.

You don't breastfeed? You probably aren't trying hard enough. I'm going to start by saying that I don't have children, and therefore don't have much of an opinion on breastfeeding/formula feeding. I just think as long as you are feeding your child and keeping them healthy, that's what matters. I've had several friends who tried so hard to breastfeed. But they had babies in the NICU, were in school full time, or the baby simply couldn't latch, and had to formula feed.

First of all, formula is insanely expensive. I know a lot of women that wish they could breastfeed for budget reasons alone. Not only that, but I've had friend approached in the grocery store while buying formula, and told that their baby was going to be stupid or not as healthy. Or that they were selfish. Why is this socially acceptable? Why are Mama's not looking out for each other? It's insane to me.

Body Shaming/Having a "real" body. Body shaming makes me crazy. CRAZY. Some people are naturally skinny. And that's okay. Some people like working out and being muscle-y. That's okay. Some people love their fat curvy bodies. That's okay.

 Stop telling skinny girls to eat hamburgers. Stop telling fit girls they are working out too much and going to get injured (they know what they are doing a hell of a lot more than you do.) Stop telling fat curvy girls that they are lazy and unmotivated. Stop making the word fat derogatory.


Love each other. Be kind to one another. (:

All my love,



Monday, January 26, 2015

Silver Linings.

Silver Linings Playbook is debatably in my top 5 favorite movies. I love the characters of Patrick (Bradley Cooper) and Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence) and the normalcy of craziness that the movie creates. (Because let's face it. Everybody is a little crazy.) There is a quote in the movie that continues to stick with me. "This is what I learned at the hospital. You have to do everything you can, you have to work your hardest, and if you do, if you stay positive, you have a shot at a silver lining."

I've had a weirdly hard week. I haven't had anything in particular that has been extra hard, I've just felt depressed, anxious, and so frustrated. And I don't even know why. I don't really have a good reason. Jealousy has been a feeling I've been struggling with recently. I don't know if I'm craving change, or if I fear it. It's easy to live vicariously through others with social media, and it's been fueling some negativity for me recently. So I'm going back to basics. I'm writing on my blog today, like I used to write on my old one. Where I'm honest, raw, and just myself. (I've been myself up to this point, but I avoid negative topics as much as possible.)  And right now, I just need a few reasons to be happy TODAY. I need a shot a silver lining. So I'm making one of those stupid lists. Things I'm grateful for. Things I want to accomplish. The whole bit.

I have:

-The greatest husband who is always striving to be a better person, and is so unconditional with me, that I get to love forever
-A little puppy dog named Moose who always knows when I'm sad, and snuggles me, makes me laugh, and is getting smarter each day
-My dream home. Honestly. It's every thing I've ever wanted, and then some
-A wonderful mother who is always there for me. She is my confidante, and my dearest friend
-An incredible daddy who calls me on layovers, just to see how I'm doing, and always knows a great read
-Siblings I can count on. Three of them. PJ-the best, wisest, wittiest, nicest older brother. Sara-the kindest, most sincere, funniest, prettiest, smartest older sister. And Sophie-the sweetest, most hilarious, goofy, beautiful, genuine-ist baby sister
-Suzi Crist- best friends since 4, making retarded jokes since 14
-Sariah Saili- Sweet, consistent, hilarious, beautiful, and someone that will talk to me for 3 hours just because.
-My health: It was such a struggle in 2013/early 2014. I'm getting close to celebrating a year of great health. And it feels so good
-My wonderful in-laws- we always have so much fun together
-My bed who has given me many hours of delightful sleep
-Tv-most importantly Netfix. Hours and hours of entertainment
-God. Even though I struggle, and I'm not perfect, He loves me. And that's always enough

I want to:

-Be able to climb a V4-V5 handily by April
-Lose 20-25 pounds (3 dress sizes) by April (for those of you concerned, that's 5 pounds a month, or a pound a week. Totally healthy weight loss.)
-Run a 10K
-Learn how to lead climb
-Climb outside. Lots.
-Play around in Moab with PJ and Toots
-Finish setting up my art studio, and actually start painting
-Dye my hair red, or just like Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook (I'm OBSESSED with her hair in that movie.)
-Pierce my nose or get a new tattoo
-Take my modeling to the next level. Maybe even sign with an agency
-Learn how to code, and make a bitchin' blog
-Take Dave to Seattle and through the Redwood Forest
-Visit Portland, OR
-Go to Las Vegas for my 21st Birthday
-Go to NC, see Suzanna for the first time in 2.5 years, and see her graduate from UNCW (and also meet her boyfriend Kevin)
-Disneyland annual passes...again.
-Go to Disneyworld
-Travel Europe-Specifically: Ireland, Scotland, England, Germany, Spain, Italy, France, Greece (Santorini), and Romania

This is making me feel a little better. Especially when I look at my goals. There is a lot I want to accomplish, and I think I'm going to add a bucket list to this blog. Give myself regular things to look forward to. The beginning of the year is always a crappy time for me, I just get bluesy and blah. So I'm ready to start looking for my silver linings.

All my love,



Dave sent me this:
Moosie sleeping in the yard with his favorite toys...the hose, and a giant plank of wood. Hahaha.